The Healing Touch

To: <sexysubjects@xilonba>
From: <duchess@xilonba>
Re: Amazing Seattle Surgeon – Redwood Operating Division

Hello, my Sexy Subjects,

Have any of you ever watched the old, 2D medical drama Grey’s Anatomy? The one with all of the medical people pretending to be all beautiful and important when they’re really just whiny plastic facades of humanity? How about the Orksploitation trideo parody set in a chop shop, Black’s Anatomy? Or the less savory parody, Richard’s Anatomy? (It’s surprisingly subtle titling, given the industry). The point is, the concept of a “Dr. McDreamy” is incredibly lame, and not even worth roleplaying in the bedroom.

And yet, we appear to have a real life McDreamy on our hands, and in Seattle’s Redmond barrens, of all places.

There are reports of a miracle man doctor showing up all over Redmond, curing everything from third degree burns to cranial hemorrhaging. The stories go something like this: Gang violence erupts in an underprivileged neighborhood, and an innocent ork child takes a bullet to the heart. The mom runs over and hold her baby in its last moments, doing everything she can not to cry. As she sheds her first tear, she looks up, and sees a blonde-haired elvish man with a radiant glow about his perfectly white lab coat. With his right hand he draws his trusty scalpel; it shines in the moonlight as he pushes his golden blonde hair behind his ear. With his left hand he takes the child from the mother, who instinctively trusts this medical miracle from heaven. In the blink of an eye, he and the child are gone. The mother assumes her boy has been taken to heaven by an angel, but not a day later her son is back in the house playing with his toys, with nothing more than a few small surgical scars on his chest to indicate he had ever been hurt.

Did you throw up in your mouth a little while reading that? It’s like a Lifetime trid on steroids with a vapid description of one of the most disgustingly pretty elf men ever. Don’t let my appearances fool you, kids – true beauty is on the inside, and magic McDreamy Elf doctor types have none of it. And no, I’m not jealous. How could I be jealous? I look way better than him, if that description is anything to go off of.

Look, people don’t take a blade to the skull and wake up the next morning fully recovered like nothing had ever happened, and with no memory of the surgery. (Reports vary on how long it takes the patient to show up again, anywhere from 12 hours to 4 days, but you get the idea). Surgeons would kill for that kind of talent, and no known school of magic has healing abilities that powerful. I’ll be damned if there’s not an artifact involved here, and even if there isn’t you’ll make nice friends with the Seattle police uncovering the mystery behind all of these kidnapping cases.

Just to be clear, these are kidnappings. This guy is not some kind of Charismatic, elf doctor hero. He’s an assrod, and you should treat him as such.

And, also, just to be clear, I’m not jealous, and arguing that point will get you a week in my private dungeon. And not the good one.

Don’t let me down, or else! XOXO.
- The Duchess

The Healing Touch

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